I wrote this about a week ago, but the battery died on the laptop before I got to publish it. I’ve since forgotten about it until today… So it’s a week old, but still relavant(ish)

Hello once again from the freedom of the south/libertad del sur! This may be my last blog post from here – i have about 9 days left in my site here but given the pace of my blog postings over the last year or so I think it’s safe to say it’s my last one… It’s crazy to realize that two years have gone by living out here. There have been days when it felt like it was longer to be sure, but for the most part the time has passed quickly – and of course usually strangely.
I write this while there is no power and hasn’t been all day. I have 60% battery left on the laptop and the battery is getting a bit old so that won’t last too long. Thus, I feel pressured to write what I have to say somewhat quickly at the moment with no frills or photos added. What you’re likely to get is an honest one shot take at what my life is like at the moment.

to start: I’ve been working a lot on wrapping up my research. I’ve been running around since August measuring the yerba mate plants and counting the mortality rates. I haven’t entered them all in the computer yet but I’m pretty sure I’ve counted about 7,000 plants at least, and measured about 3,000 between about 50 or 60 families. I’ve done 20 interviews and talked with each family about their plants, their experiences, plans for the future, and how they are going to care for the plants for the next year or so while they’re still somewhat sensitive in a somewhat harsh terrain/climate. While I only have a few days left I really want to be checked out and do nothing but sit back, hang out, and wonder why my language skills are still so terrible. Instead I find myself running around in the 95 degree heat and sun (35 or so if you’re reading this from the parts of the world that follow the celsius scale) counting more trees and trying to wrap up my research and collect as much data as I can while I’m here.
I have to admit at moment, and many other times during the last two years, I wonder if it’s worth it. Sure, I may have a good research project, or it could turn out worthless… Largely up to me and my abilities/continued interest I suppose. But really, I find myself pondering the value of my efforts on a larger more sustainable level as I type in the dark here. I can confidently say that I’ve had a successful service. The Peace Corps often says that if you ‘plant the seed’ of a new idea in a community then that’s worthy of a mission accomplished banner (yes I’m envisioning the battleship with G.W. in flight suit…). But as a volunteer, I think we all come to expect/hope/dream of greater achievements than are realistic. Maybe this isn’t limited to volunteers – maybe it’s human nature.
To be clear and honest – I’ve put myself out there over the last year more than I have (personally) in other jobs. And I am probably more critical of myself for this reason. But through my research I’ve seen firsthand the successes and failures of my work – some people saw 80% of their yerba mate plants die over the past couple of months while their neighbors lost only 5%. Some planted their native trees to adopt agroforestry systems which contribute to reforestation efforts in a severely deforested region of the world, while others left their seedlings to die where I delivered them months ago still in their poly-bags. It’s tough to balance the successes with the failures when the disparities are so great and it’s all become so personal as a two year commitement of my life living in rural Paraguay dealing with a community who largely seem to misguidedly blame the failures on the quality of the plants, occasionally my personal shortcomings, sometimes on their neighbors,  as opposed to their own efforts. Always so much easier to point a finger at others…

Having heard so many stories/excuses/rationalizations over the past months regarding something I put so much effort into, the best way I can describe my feeling is ‘dizzy’. As I look at 9 days left i sat tonight listening to someone who was complimentary (rare). He bought me 2 liters of beer (and so sorry for how this may not flow so well…) and said thank you so many times I wanted to walk away. I’ve never been one to take compliments well, and I’ve sat and thought about whether or not to share this story with y’all but decided that I needed to be honest in the depiction of my tales… This was the guy who helped every day with the delivery of the plants back in June ( a lot of work, voluntarily). I gave him a knife from the U.S. as a gift to thank him. He’d had ‘issues’ with the previous volunteer, and was very happy/thankful every time I invited him to take part in whatever i was doing. Like everyone out here he’s poor and looking for help where he can find it. Long story short, while I was warned to stay away from him when I first arrived, he turned out to be a great help and ardent supporter over the past year. Tonight, he shelled out money to buy me beer while thanking me effusively for the fact that he received 1000 plants through the project i organized. I teared up. The majority, or at least the loudest voices, have complained or just wanted photos or whatever else they could get from me.
I write this to express the range of emotions that I’ve felt that I can’t fully explain. I’ve said before on here that i need to step away for a while to process it all. That holds true.

—-This is where the battery got too low when I wrote this. It’s been an up and down week with a lot of thoughts of the last few years. I’ll write another blog shortly about the more fun stuff. HOpe you’re doing well

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